Saturday, July 11, 2009
When All hope is Gone, He Will
I had a few dreams lately that forced me to face my feelings about lots of issues in my life and relationships past and present. I am sorry for all the pain I caused my sisters Juli and Lori as it had to be very hard coming up after me I am sure.
A few days ago I was giving a gentleman twice my age his last standing order then I departed to make a phone call to my best friend who has already gone to be with the Lord almost five years ago. When I reached her on the phone I recall my last words and orders to the gentleman were "follow Jesus" then he said Amen and turned and started following another man but he wasn't following Jesus though he said Amen to the standing orders.
When I got mother Nell on the phone I knew that the man did not follow the orders and it was a failed mission. Yet, I didn't care I was crying to her on the phone out of desperation because I had lost all hope. When I awoke I recalled a few days earlier seeing a troubling scripture that the harvest had past and it was gone another failed mission I thought.
I have tried so hard to (as the scripture says) forgetting everyone and everything and putting my hands to the plow and not looking back or like the soldier who goes to war forget about that which he had before war.
I have tried so hard to do that concerning my children whom I miss so bad. But the sufferings that I have endured most especially since 2000 have been too much to handle and as one minister said "life beat the vision out of me" and it is true I want so much to quit, to give up to forget it all now.
Only God can change that and I know He will! The one thing I still have is God and the easiest way I can get to HIM when I am too weak to worshp is through prayer which is my favorite thing to do anyway. So in prayer I get all my answers even to the hardest questions! I love you Jesus!